Choosing Suicide

I read this morning that Trey Pennington, a man well known and loved by many in social media circles, had committed suicide.

When I learn about someone who has made this choice, I feel a deep kinship with them, because I too made this choice many years ago. I understand the depths of depression that drive one to that moment — that incomprehensible blackness, that inability to see your way though to the next moment when possibly the cloud might lift. When you have been through this many times, at some point even knowing that the cloud will lift is not enough — because you believe you will only end up back at this place once again.

I have managed to stay on this planet for what will be 68 years on September 11th. I was brought back to life in 1984 after I tried to leave. I continued to fight those demons for many years, and then again in the early 90’s I reached that point of deep despair once again. I write about my journey out of that blackness in Choosing to Be.

I no longer think about suicide, but I understand how one arrives at this point.

Some of us manage to stay and some of us decide we must leave. My friend Marty Weiner left earlier this year. He was a gift to this planet, a healer who helped me through times of dark despair. He shared with me that he too dealt with depression most of his life, and knowing this made me feel less alone.

I thought about Marty this morning.  How much I wished he could have stayed. I found a video tribute to him, and as I watched it, I thought about Trey Pennington and how many people whose lives Trey touched are hurting today.

There are no easy answers, I know this. The day I decided to end my life, no one suspected that I would make that choice late that night. We can’t always be there, we can’t know the pain that is so deeply buried. All we can do is share our stories, listen with our hearts, and take action when we can to pull someone back from the brink. But we must also understand that in the end, it is not up to us.



{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Lydia September 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Thank you for choosing to be. I am sure that by sharing your story, you will give those who choose this path the very thing that they need– hope that, no matter the depths of his or her depression, that just as with everything in life, this too shall pass. Blessings.

Deb Bruser ( JoyFull_deb) September 5, 2011 at 2:48 pm

A gazillion thank you’s for sharing your story Kat. I’ve been there, too, to that place where all you want is for the pain to just stop! …for the darkness to lift…for the heaviness to move someplace else.
today I listen to friends & family of those who have taken their lives, “survivors”…they ask the unanswerable questions every day, “why?” …”What could I have done?” Why did I miss this?”…and they have to go forward on their grief journey w/o answers and it’s such a complicated journey/grief.
I send prayers up for his children, his mom and family. I know Trey is resting now, in peace. His family has to make a new beginning, a new normal, for their lives.
Much love to you and many, many blessings.

Diane September 5, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Thank you for sharing your story Kat. As having struggled with the same demons myself, I know can only feel compassion for those who have chosen to leave this life. I think it’s an important issue to talk about to let everyone know that we are not alone in our struggle.

I feel it is also important to realize that although the depression may go into ‘remission’ for a long while, the darkness still lingers deep inside and it’s important to continue to send light….to the parts of ourselves we are afraid to see as well as send light to those who have the same struggles.

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